We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
