and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
