I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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