Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I did not marry a roomba.
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