Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
