Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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