I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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