someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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