I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
