dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
