I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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