her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
