Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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