Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
