My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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