thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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