worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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