I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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