Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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