my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
