i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize