I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
