I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize