i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
