you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
