Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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