Me. At least after what I've been through.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
