I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
