I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
