Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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