I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
