I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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