Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
