Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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