I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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