i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
