69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
