1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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