You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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