when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
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