I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
