So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
