I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
