If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
