i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
