my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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