I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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