i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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