Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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