I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
