first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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