btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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