I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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