you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
