I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
