i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
