I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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