took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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