This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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