Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
