I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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