When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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