It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
