woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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