I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
