just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
