You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
